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Friday, February 12, 2010

Setbacks

Sometimes we are consumed with our thoughts and emotions. Oftentimes, they do not get along well with each other. In other words, we are in the state of confusion... I used to believe that something good is about to happen to me, I used to feel it though I cannot deny the fact that my mind does not agree with me. I am pessimistic by nature. I do not believe in fate nor in destiny. "Come what may" was the trend that I used to follow. However when I came across the word "faith" I decided to change my perspective in life. But it's not that easy as I thought it would be. My old belief used to haunt me, telling me that everything is about luck, a game of chance. At my age, I do not find myself emotionally stable, I do not consider myself mature. I do not even know what I really want in life. Frustrations is within my reach. I easily get discourage, I easily lose hope. I became overly sensitive. At work, I always aim for perfection but the more I strive for it, the more I am overwhelmed with challenges. They used to tell me I am good but deep inside I know I am a failure. Was my mind and heart pulling me down or I am just too perfectionist that I forgot my limitation as a human being? I felt so exhausted and yet accomplish only a few. I wonder what life would be if I stop dreaming? Maybe then and only then I can have that peace of mind that I long to have or maybe I just stop from expecting too much to ease the pain that it might caused me.I used to ask God what He really want for me. I used to ask Him to reveal all His plan He set for me. I used to claim His words in Jeremiah 29:11... but it seems like bleak and difficult.I am not questioning His Sovereignty, I just cannot comprehend (or maybe I just refused to do so). My impatience is pulling me down. I appeared to be strong yet deep inside I am lost. I just do not know what lies ahead of me. I cannot picture it out. I am emotionally disturbed. Have I done something that caused God to delay all His plans for me? Lately I felt so weak and helpless. I felt like giving up. There is something that I want but I just do know what exactly it was. I wish I could read God's mind but I was reminded that my thought is not His thought and my ways is not His ways. I have so many setbacks in life and frankly speaking, I do not know how to overcome it all.God must be silent for the reason which I do not know... Or maybe He just allow this to happen for the reason which (still) I do not know...
Pray for me.