Monday, November 26, 2012

Dance With My Father

♫ Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then Spin me around ‘til I fell asleepThen up the stairs he would carry me And I knew for sure I was lovedIf I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him I’d play a song that would never, ever end How I’d love, love, love To dance with my father again When I and my mother would disagreeTo get my way, I would run from her to him He’d make me laugh just to comfort meThen finally make me do just what my mama saidLater that night when I was asleepHe left a dollar under my sheetNever dreamed that he would be gone from meIf I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with himI’d play a song that would never, ever end‘Cause I’d love, love, loveTo dance with my father again Sometimes I’d listen outside her door And I’d hear how my mother cried for him I pray for her even more than meI pray for her even more than me I know I’m praying for much too much But could you send back the only man she lovedI know you don’t do it usually But dear Lord she’s dyingTo dance with my father againEvery night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream ♫ ♪
Me and my sister love this song so much especially the version of Jessica Sanchez (Original by Luther Vandross). However, I just cannot relate with the song. How I wish I have such kind of a father. I grew up without him. I only find that father-figure through my late Tatay. My biological father has the time of his life when he was still on his younger years. He married my Mom at an early age, got separated few years after our 6th sibling was born, married again to different women, expanded his territory by having more offspring and most of them I don't even got the chance to meet.

I used to hate him for being him. I used to blame him for every fears and misery that I've been through.However, God's Words prompted me one day. I've been struggling much in the area of forgiveness. Yet I was reminded of myself, being imperfect. I may not get to choose my parents, but God uses them as an instrument for my existence. Then I resolve it to myself, I should not hate him anymore.

The other night, we have a very long phone conversation. I told him how I truly felt about him. He accepted everything. He admit all his mistakes then he asked me this one question, "Nak, do you hate me?". I told him frankly, that I don't dwell on it anymore. If I ever hated him then I would never dare to call him. Then he laugh. I can feel a sigh of relief on the other line. But i told him as well that hatred was no longer overwhelming me yet I cannot feel any real connection anymore with him. I explained it to him. He seems to understand. And the line was cut off. He warned me earlier that his phone battery was about to drain but he asked me to continue to talk. 

I really don't get to miss him anymore. But one thing is for sure, I am still thankful with him. For without him, I won't exist.And no matter how would i deny him, in the eyes of God, HE IS STILL MY FATHER.

I may have the chance to dance with him, if not now, maybe tomorrow or in the coming days... Maybe not in reality, perhaps in one of my dreams...Well, the song was the exact opposite but still how I wish that someday, my own daughter (if God permits to grant me one) will sing this song to his dad.


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