Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Want Freedom!

Literally, yes! I want freedom from the bondage of stupidity! I just realized I am stupid enough that I messed up the moment that I've been long waiting for- and it's all because of my subtle stupidity! I wasn't able to sleep because of that. But what else can I do? It already happened and I cannot do anything to undo it.

From my FB wall:

I admit I just had the worst moment of my life. I hate being grilled, being on the "hot seat". I don't have that confidence to face them all. I tried but I failed. How I wish I could make it but I doubt I will... I wish I could have it my way but it's impossible. Whatever is the outcome, I entrust it all to the Almighty. 

To those who encouraged me to pursue that thing, I am sorry if I fall short from your expectations. I was just so nervous that I cannot find the right words to say. I only do better with writing but NEVER on that kind of scenario. I have so many shortcomings that so difficult for me to overcome. I knew how stupid I am when I acted such thing. And too stupid to only realized it when I was being reminded then. But it was just my way of overcoming the tension that I felt within me... Nevertheless, I messed up everything! 
I would fully understand if I will not make it that far. Whatever is the result, I will humbly accept it. I've been praying and waiting for it BUT if I cannot make it, there's no one else to be blamed but ME. Shame on me.
Maybe, it's not yet the right time for me... Or maybe yet, this is not really where God intended me to be. I am sick and tired of hoping. If I will only think of myself alone, I wanna give up... But I cannot do that because I have ONE BIG REASON why I need to press on even if it already hurts. 
I wish I could have the power to turn back time.
So sad, but it's too late  

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